I miss you everyday, I say good morning to your photo in the kitchen and tell you my fears, dreams and joys every night before I sleep. We sing along to songs you loved in the car and laugh at the funny things you did with us.
You may not be here in body but in our hearts and minds you will never be forgotten. A huge part of our lives and always will be, Phil,my best friend.
You were as stubborn and as opinionated as me and from time to time we disagreed in a BIG way, but you always valued my views and although didn’t agree could let it pass between us. I know you loved listening to the drama/disaster/chaos going on in my life and workplace because it took your mind away from your pains and problems. One of the things I miss most is waking up to a text message telling me what offer you found at Tesco at 3am because you couldn’t sleep.
I know wherever you are everyone around you will be well fed with a smile on their faces.
What a year, it started filled with promise, hope and adventure which very quickly became sadness, disappointment and dread.
So I started the year with the news of redundancy, scary enough but with family and a good friend by my side it was nothing I couldn’t handle. We started making plans, holidays, adventures, new job ideas.
Then March arrived and I lost my best friend, very suddenly and it was devastating. Very quickly life and plans changed.
May and redundancy came round even quicker, and with no Phil around, the adventure plans and short breaks were shelved and the job applications started. The job hunt was one of the most demoralising experiences I have ever had. Over 1000 applications made with around 50 acknowledgements and 15 interviews.
With no job in sight I spent the summer doing fun things with Oscar and trying to get some happy back into our lives. It worked, a little.
Finally in October it seemed that things were turning around, first my brother got married and then I was offered a job but with only a small number of hours a week. It was something at least, I had routine and felt useful again. It was an enjoyable job, but with such few hours I needed to keep looking for something else, and it came along. Again only part time but it’s keeping me busy and bringing in a little money whilst I keep looking.
December and Christmas arrived in a flash of colour and chaos, family time and quiet time whist Oscar is away with his dad. A time for reflection, organisation and planning.
Even though there have been a few very high, good points overall 2016 will go down as the year of sadness, loss and disappointment.
Sorry for the silence but my days and weeks have consisted of the same old boring nothingness. They essentially went like this…
Alarm goes off at 6.50am, get up, wake and feed child, take him to school, sit at computer applying for jobs, return to school to collect child, homework, food, bathe, bed. Rinse and repeat. Dull, dreary and mind numbing.
Well it was until last week, finally a change from the normal routine and very much needed boost. And what was this change, my brothers wedding.
A wonderful, fabulously clear, bright day with a stunning bride and a very handsome bridegroom. Surrounded by family from Yorkshire, Lancashire, Liverpool, Wirral and beyond, they made their vows and we partied hard. It was a much needed jolt from the day to day routine and a catch up with family, old and new. An amazing day with lovely people and I can now officially call her my sister-in-law (even though I have for a long time already), the only sadness was my missing plus one, but wherever Phil may be I know he would be very happy for the happy couple.
Anyway, this week saw even more changes and bright horizons, I finally have a job !! Woo hoo, I went for an interview on Monday and got a phone call an hour or so later to offer me the position and start next week. It’s a part-time position so it will still allow me time with Oscar and some of the school drop-offs/collections, it has meant a re-jig of some after school activities but nothing that can’t be altered and a happier, less stressed out mum for Oscar.
The last 10 days has been a big shake-up and change that I needed.
Onward and upwards.
I only have three weeks left before I leave work and it’s an interesting time. It’s been such a huge part of my life, over 14 years, that I feel sad to be going but am optimistic and know the future holds new challenges. Moving from my comfort zone and into the unknown, exciting and scary times ahead.
Meeting new people can be quite stressful. I’m not the most outgoing of people. I’m a warm, friendly, even sociable person but not a social person. I love my own company and often crave quiet solitude, which probably explains why I love libraries and art galleries. Not the busiest or noisiest of places. Strange really because I currently work in an office filled with hundreds of people, it’s very noisy and always busy and yet I love it. In fact thinking about it, I’ve always worked in noisy environments and generally with lots of different people. Maybe that’s why I need to solitude in my leisure time.
I am enjoying pushing myself to try new things, challenge the comfort zone and expand my boundaries. I’m learning new things about myself and even writing this has given me an insight into the weird and wonderful workings of my brain.
I am looking forward to some quality time over summer with my boy, hopefully enjoying the sunshine and maybe I’ll even get through all those weeds on the allotment and finally find the soil…
I think I’m finally starting to live life, exploring it and the more I write about it the more I realise I’m enjoying it.